Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
