Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
