I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
