Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I just googled if crying burns calories
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
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