I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
