Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Randomize
