so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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