Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
