batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize