The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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