Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
