Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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