Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
