burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
