I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
