i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
my being single is dangerous.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
