There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize