i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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