I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
