I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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