I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
