Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
