I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
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