we're chasing vodka with high fives
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
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