I wish I could teleport
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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