I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
