Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Randomize