i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
