Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize