I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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