I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Randomize