a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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