By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
I'm really busy with my period
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