i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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