get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
