I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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