Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
