Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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