I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
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