I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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