He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
