We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
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