Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
