After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
