Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
