my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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