He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
