I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Come see our sink grown plant.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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