and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
the raccoons are back...
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