so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
