I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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