He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
