sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
it's great music for shaving your balls
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
