why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Randomize