he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
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