You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
you didnt know i had herpes?
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
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