I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
