Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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