never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
