and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
