just tell him i said nine months
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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