Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Randomize
