My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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