May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
In other news, I just burned my penis
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
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